Journal Entry

E40C7A86-D082-4D74-9029-CC5D88A733CA.jpg

This smile came about two minutes after I cried because I felt too uncomfortable in my body to be photographed. It feels very similar to how I’ve been experiencing the last month or so. Ups and downs. Despair and joy. I’m yo-yoing constantly between using my anxiety to fuel an extreme amount of work and succumbing to mental exhaustion by rooting myself to my bed or other comfy surface in my apartment. I’m going and going and going, and it never seems to stop. Even when I stop. Everything else around me is still moving, ready for me to jump back in and freak out about the things that zoomed right by me that I now have to catch up to. It’s not quite like the eye of a storm, when the center is calm. My center doesn’t know calm. So as I sit here, trying to take a Sunday to myself, to exist and be and not do, my brain is still elsewhere. But I will keep fighting it. I will keep showing up. Because that’s really all that I can do.