My Anxiety Is My Friend

"My brain feels like a fucking buzzing fluorescent light in a gas station bathroom…all the time."  - Halsey

“I can hear you thinking from all the way over here.”

I’ve lost count of how many times someone has said this to me.

It seems that my brain has waves of its own; it must emit some kind of frequency when things go a buzz-buzz all around, alerting everyone around me to the mini tornado wreaking havoc on the delicate folds of my squishy, pink brain-space.

For me, it never shuts up. You might hear it vibrate every once in awhile when it’s working overtime. When my heart hurts or the confusion and contradictions have me all tangled up in neurons and synapses.

But what you hear as a vibration, that’s like a fucking avalanche to me. A static avalanche that stops any coherent, fully-formed thoughts from breaking through. My words wash behind my eyes like wisps that collect together like a noose, a tangled web that collects around my throat. They settle behind the curve of my ears, plugging the outside world away, separating me off from reality, filling my head with constant energy that makes little to no sense.

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t breathe? Those little gasps you make just to keep something moving within your chest... It’s like that, but in my brain. It’s paralyzing.

That’s when it’s the worst. When it’s so loud that I can’t figure out what it is I’m even trying to say to myself. My head floods, overflows, and a part of me just wants to sit upside down and let it all drain out like a full tub whose plug has been pulled.

Sometimes I do that.

I always wondered if it was some sort of anxiety attack. My response to feeling overwhelmed. An already busy brain that doesn’t know how to shut the fuck up sent into overdrive by one thing or another, short circuiting because it doesn’t know what to do with the systems overload.

Now I think that maybe it’s just how I work; how my brain processes; who I am.

If I didn’t have a brain that didn’t shut down for even a few hours of peace, I wouldn't feel the need to upchuck the constant buzzing into some form of permanent expression. I wouldn’t have this. I wouldn’t be able to make this. So maybe it’s ok.